B My Name Is...

My Barbra Book Story

I am not currently reading The Barbra Book.
But I am talking to a lot of people who are.
So, The Barbra Book people begin.
Can I ask?
I know the nicest people.
People, people who ask people…
They live in the sunshine of this good policy.
Which doesn’t require ignoring the question
Or plowing ahead
Across a possible boundary.
They simply ask
Can I ask?

In this case they are asking to ask
Because it’s about my ex-husband.
And yes.
He is in the book.
That is him that Barbra was babysitting
In trade for acting lessons.
That is his father who was Barbra’s mentor.
Thirty pages worth.

My ex-father in law was Barbra’s mentor.
And he used to tell me one of the stories in the book.
The one about the way he helped Barbra get the Funny Girl role.
About how he helped her come to understand
How differently older people move.
With much less wasted energy.
In a sense how older people
Are more energy efficient.

I’ve thought about that a lot over the years.
As I’ve gotten, well, not quite as young.
I treasure my energy more.
Whether or not I have less
I’m so acutely aware of what I use it on.

Like when I hit bottom 13 years ago
Someone told me don’t waste a crisis.
And I started to see
How very divergent things can fuel our energy.
Our creative energy.
Sometimes we can be energized by the difficulties of life.
A crisis can fuel creativity.
Sometimes we get power
From the joyful easy things.
Romantic love.
Can also fuel creativity.

Of course romantic love can easily become a crisis
And a crisis can lead to romantic love.
The surrender to this wobble between what seems ‘good’
And what seem ‘bad’
Is part of the efficiency.
Not bothering to use up energy on clinging.
On opinions.
On judgement.
On self-loathing.
Discovering the goldmine of energy
Gained by acceptance and surrender and flow.

A few years ago
I was complaining about something
And the phrase don’t waste your breath
Came into my head.
Don’t waste your breath.
So liberating.
So energizing.

Still, even now, I love to be in action.
And sometimes I notice my actions
Are not always the most efficient.
Because I just love the feeling of action itself.
Motion.
TBH sometimes it’s the rushing motion
Of moving away from e-motion.
So.
More work to do there.
The work never ends.

The other thing about The Barbra Book -
My Name Is Barbra -
When I first came to LA
I was doing one of my shows -
Maybe Having Fun In The Dark
Or Beth of Both Worlds -
At my ex father-in-law’s theater.
He said about my opening it’s just like when Barbra…
And then I stopped listening.
She held no appeal to me.
She seemed… old fashioned?
Schmaltzy.

But as I’ve learned more about music
And producing
And also begun to love the Jewish part of myself more
I have softened towards her genius.
And now I’m wondering
Is it possible to accept a compliment in retrospect?
Thank you.