It's Not the Beginning Anymore

On beginnings, middles, endings, uncertainty, and starting again.

Somehow today I felt like it’s really not the beginning of the year any more.
I’m always noticing where we are.
Where I am.

The creative life trains us for this.
It’s filled with beginnings, middles and ends.
Early adapting, late blooming, final drafting.
Opening numbers, big finishes.
Roughing it in, muddling through, polishing.
Mid-career, 20 under 20.

So - while understanding that time isn’t real
I pay close attention to when’s.

And somehow I just noticed.
It’s not the beginning anymore.
I know we’ve already marked this turn.
Moons and suns and the shift from one sport to another.

But for me
it was making plans yesterday
for The Summer Trip to see the fam and friends.
It’s the flip side of The Winter Trip.
And more than the equinox
it’s how I know in my bones.
It’s not the beginning of the year anymore.

Watching stories,
we’re attuned to feel the end of the beginning.

We begin curiously.
Then - there’s a moment
When we want some questions to have been answered.
We want to know what story we are watching.
That’s the feeling of
It’s not the beginning anymore.

It’s also the great quarter-life crisis.
We want to know what life we are living.

And somewhere in here
is the question of pain.
And how our sense of time impacts it.

But first. From today.
At the beginning of the Tuesday Infinite Creator Group Session
After our Zoomy hellos
In the spot where I usually do a breathing/grounding toneset
I said - well it’s not the beginning of the year anymore.
And based on how quickly everyone jumped in
I dispensed with the toneset and asked:
Do you prefer beginnings, middles or endings?
And everyone had a lot to say.
A lot of feelings.
And it was a hundred per cent not unanimous.
People are different!

Various folks in the group said…
I like the beginning because of the dopamine,
I love the end because it means the beginning is coming.
I love the beginning because I have a million ideas and they are all great.
The end because I love review and lessons learned.
I’m a morning person, so beginnings.
Middles mean no anxiety about beginning - no pressure to finish.

In and among the other work we did
We also worked on dealing with
being at the beginning, in the middle or at the end -
Or in a few cases between the end and the beginning -
In the post partum moment - as one of us called it
In-betweening.

Personally I love a beginning.
I love helping people with beginnings.
Pick Your Next Project.
So You Need To Decide.

I love a beginning so much
I never get past Genesis in the Bible.

So much that
It wasn’t until months after I’d developed
8 Habits of Infinitely Creative People…

I suddenly realized I’d left finishing out.

(Luckily 2 other habits were part of the same thing.
So I didn’t have to turn into 9 habits.
Hahaha.)

I do love finishing.
It’s one great thing about Substack.
While you are working on longer projects
You get to finish these pieces.
Mini finishes.
But so much of writing is being done - and then done again.
Final files.
Final final.
This one is really the final.
This one is really the final V2.

I’m stopping myself here from going on about process.
Because ultimately
The creative process
Is an intimate experience of life.

And maybe makes us more able to be fully alive.

And one of the big things about life?
Pain.

Life is change.
Change is painful.
Life is painful.

But being able to feel the pain
And not run
Is one of the secrets of life.
Being able to take the pain.
A phrase I picked up from an acupuncturist
Sticking needles into my butt cheek.
When I started to cry.
She said
Jewish girls can’t take the pain.
Which bothered me in so many ways.
But I knew in this case - hoped?
the pain was going to relieve pain.
Like fighting fire with fire.

And it opened the door to a new room.
A room where I didn’t run from being uncomfortable.
It took me years to actually walk into that room
But finally I started to understand
Watching from the threshold
Feeling the pain
Being not numb
Means you can also feel pleasure.

And it occurs to me that beginnings, middles and ends
Each have their distinct pleasures and pains.
And we each have our preferences there.

But one of the hardest things about all pain
is we don’t know when it’s going to end.

In my early childhood hospital time -
Lots of needles, bloodwork.
They always said: it’s not going to hurt.
It always did.
Having been told that the truth was important
I somehow started to believe
That pain was sooooo bad
It was ok to lie about.
When I finally understood this
It became part of my life’s work
To not lie about the pain.

It’s the uncertainty we can’t bear.
Not the pain itself.
The not knowing when it will be over.

And part of the trick
Is learning to love uncertainty.
Love uncertainty?!
Yes honey.

Love uncertainty by understanding
That when everything is
Known, certain, locked in
There is very little room for God - or whatever you call it.
The mystery.
The miracles.
The uncertainty is almost the vehicle the divine force rides in on.

And listen.
A few weeks ago I was walking through a big patch of uncertainty.
I was pretty mad about it.
I wanted TO KNOW.

So I reminded myself
I believe uncertainty makes space for the goddess.
It’s not always easy to believe what you believe.

And as I heard my own lecture
I thought
Sure sure.
That’s easy for you to say.
The self and the witness.
Always a hilarious show.
And I tried to start the day again.

It’s really not the beginning of the year anymore.
But we are always free to start over.
Begin again.
This time with a smile.

Infinite love and gratitude,
Beth

A couple of spots have opened in the Tuesday Infinite Creator Group.
If you’re curious, the door’s open.