Window

Open it.Be it.

Once upon a time, during my darkest days
During the beginning of my second chance
I asked an uber successful friend of mine
if he had any strategies he used for work
when he was feeling emotionally distraught.
He laughed.
I hadn’t meant to be funny but was happy to amuse.
Sure, he said.
Compartmentalization.
Huhn.

I tried it.
Although I’m not sure what exactly I tried
when I tried it.
Maybe hyperfocus.
Imaginary blinders.
Driving while crying.
Pretending the task at hand was the only thing that existed.

Of course easier said than done - pretending when your work is creative.
Stand up, storytelling, memoir.
All that stuff that comes from your life.
If your life - ll the upsetting things - are in a lock box while you’re working
what is there to make work about?

Honestly it wasn’t the best years of my work.
But I knew I was rebuilding.
I knew I’d been given a second chance.
BTW - we always say given a second chance.
Not taking a second chance.
Because you can take a chance.
But a second chance?
That’s a matter of grace.
A gift.
You can’t take it.
You can only be given it.

So I felt some - responsibility - to make the most of it.
It was why I wanted to compartmentalize.
So I could do the tedious parts of the creative work.
Without having to feel every little feeling all the time.
And I had a new rule.
Don’t waste a crisis.
Compartmentalizing helped me do that.

As I rebuilt my life it didn’t feel so dangerous to connect things again.
But one day I realized
It was like I’d compartmentalized inside a shipping container.
You know how shipping containers into homes?
I’d built windows.
I’d compartmentalized… with a view.
With some porousness.

And I was learning when I could open the window.
Close the window but peer out.
And when I really had to draw the blinds and turn my back into the room.

I’d built walls. But it was almost like they were there in order to build windows.

A gloom with a view.

Infinite love and gratitude,
Beth

PS at UnCabaret we open windows like crazy. This Friday the only show this summer and it will be… breezy. Come hang out with me and my hilarious friends. Get your ticket to ride here.